anyway got some attention now its back to loneliness

tried runescape on yet another new account lost the other one

the fan was running wild so i reduced the settings

but the populace there are old i dont just need stupid words

to get by any words i want quality i guess i should try to entertain

myself like suno says the soundtrack of your life lesse the time.is

1 hour to midnight i can easily be up 6 hours more i was so sluggish

in the morning had only slept 2-3-4 hours but its been that for long

i guess its all that dip that weighs me down but it reduces ocd and

the good coffee reduces anxiety together with working out no drug

compares to testosterone and just everything good calisthinetics

gives you you can work out like 5 secs and good things can still

happen or 5 hours you wont get damages youll get tired in the muscle

but keep at it youll gain 100x strength easily from how slobby you

were before it started in spring 2024 i was sleeping resting 23 hours

per day for 2-3 days then i just said fuck it id heard about working

out with nothing no gym no weights and i tried i could muster like 3

mins per arm for awhile i could do 6 hours eventually 1 year later

and it gives such mental strength as well i wondered if there was

some great automagic edit but all of a sudden i was tired rested

literally a moment and i was restored that was all the workouts id

done literally 1 million bicep curls about now in 2 years you can get

pissed off but youre just saying no to all the people who have abused

you but dont abuse drugs youll naturally eat more nutricious because

you dont want to get bigger only in the muscles but with calistinetics

its really only endurance but also like i can do it for hours but also

doing a straining exercise like holding to the left or right when they

changed me in the beginning it hurt a lot afterwards but now i can hold

for 15 mins if its needed i can even push up my back with both hands on

the railing i got cleaned with my faith in nature soap it smells wonderful

and for the first time in years i could feel the smell of hot pee not just

disgusting misc smells its weird like peeing in your pants but i wonder how

bad i smelled i dont really notice myself i more affect others my aura is

bigger than my inside so when im sad people get sad around they can get

sadistic too but everything happens for a reason like youre high everythings

peachy then like people get annoyed you with aggressive maybe abuse you

physically then you need to get a reality check and just lose the drugs

the bad dont outweight the good take a good look in the mirror how fucked

up your eyes look your skin is a weird grey beige orange cyan mess remember

when you took a selfie 10 years ago look it up on an old account then you

were living your life now youre just a joke to everyone dont play so much

computer games but if youre tired of people relax with fps or strategy

or mmorpg och tactical or whatever you like the world is your oyster the

skys the limit and if people still dont care about you when youre happy

dont get on their level dont drink or smoke or shoot up in vain for people

who dont really care for you you got some talent start working out more

try mountain or wall climbing or fishing its the ultimate skill or try

to improve your hand writing just doodle and like make a mandala draw

a shape in the middle any you want then another shapes around 4 then

lines then circles then squares if you know other languages than english

use those characters its easy to write in unicode by hand you can write

from any angle and you can do maths easily on paper too not staring into

a dead light is inspiring like millions i threw away my last laptop and

then i was just irl and made this magazine in like 90 copies just folded

an a4 paper it costs next to nothing if somewhere somehow theres a printer

like take some papers you only need 1 you can draw it on for others with

a simple lead pen or a nice pencil nothing special is needed like a good

musician just needs a chair and a guitar or really only themselves and

play at busking all over the town or subway or the world if you give it

your all youll be given all eventually remember always you anti get what

you desire expect nothing to recieve everything did you meet your twinflame

yet she will be nothing like what you imagined maybe ugly but compliment

her see her for who she is dont just say nice tits say like i like how your

smile lights up when you see me in the morning at work or maybe a friend who

comes over who likes to smoke theres realism and nihilism its 2 extremes what

my straight edge tattoo taught me youre not even allowed sex then and yeah im

not orthodox i go with the flow its lonely not when i write only publish at places

but if you self publish in 1-3 copies a book like this writing collect like if you

do quotes on facebook or instagram get a book on blurb.com its got its own editor

if you make 3 quotes per day just put 3 per page in 30 pages then publish it give

it to someone who cares like friend or family or lover at least family will be

proud of you they might not mention it directly but theyll talk about you in good

terms except my son has some problems la di da if you write a poem add flowers if

you really like a chick at the right moment when youve been together for awhile it

can work wonders maybe shell marry you maybe its a tomboy and im writing about a chick

in guy to girl terms theres guy to girl heterosexual and girl to guy heterosexual hah

hbtq needs to be updatedi mean entirely different worlds maybe flirt with a guy nothings

stopping you it will be an eye opener guys are so clumsy with dirty words women have emotions

but not like think they dont just want hardcore make your life a poem like the one you write

when a chick broke your heart when you were 15 you cried your eyes out you couldnt exist

without her even if you broke up with you and is married theres still a chance she can take

you back so stop drinking smoking and shooting up in vain get yourself together get a reality

check if people treat you badly shower get a haircut get a good electric razor you can do it

yourself the beard too you wasted so much on lootboxes now waste it on real things like find

a good clothes store maybe online find a band t shirt store look a lot you might find your

favourite band that impresses chicks find neon clothes or with gold on even like metallic

jeans takes a lot to wear them it can take 10 mins to take on same as women if youre a cat

girl in your 60s try a bra for once it can literally take 20 mins to put on make is a trier

you might get allergies in 5 mins but just paint your nails its the easiest its still allergic

so if youre a redhead just do it natural get some sunlight passive sun is ok if youre skin is

sensitive but light get a good tan you probably look like living dead to others with your weird

stare and bad breath brush you teeth with coal toothpaste or extra virgin coconut oil also clean

your gums that way or wipe them with a small cloth just cut up a t shirt a towel or some random

textile from a second hand store get some good shoes that are comfy but you still need to look

good you might have to have them on you while sitting at the comp get away from the smartphone

its got a world of wonders but you just use it for doomscrolling like really go to sleep when

you feel like it in the middle of the day you wont have nightmares or be scared of the dark a

real artist lives however they want go to open mics get noticed get your vocal talents out there

everyone can talk you can write as well write something of value from your soul your heart your

story even be a street preacher talk openly loudly at some popular section or play wherever you

want to fishes to birds to horses to your pet if its still alive animals have just as much emotions

as us as when we were unravished by paranoia and obsessive thoughts like they say get a plant and

a pet if theyre both alive a year later youre not addicted anymore clean your apartment often

cleanliness is next to godliness you are what you inhale youll notice stenches move once at a time

it can take 10 or 20 hours to weather out the smells vacuum first its bothersome it might damage

your back but work out more start promenades running is overrated walk at your own pace if you

still feel like a zombie walk slowly dont stare too much at hotties going by be respectable and

youll be respected straighten up get clean look yourself in the mirror every day not for pimples

but in your minds eye keep a written journal on paper on your looks how people act towards you

then and now and remember back as a teen now youre 40 or 50 you havent ruined any time with that

all your experiences just makes you stronger try working for free at an addiction centre or second

hand store or book antique store dont just barge in saying i wanna job just talk to them and weave

into the conversation mention books you like and dont mention how youll change the place noobs

have no respect no matter what a god you think you have youll rise slowly but surely just trust

in yourself if youre shy and not talkative you can still achieve a lot in life talking is overrated

doodle instead do anime drawings of youre favourite computer game character do it in pixel art it

takes weeks for 1 pic but its worth it youll be proud of yourself put the pic over your bed fall

asleep happy not with pills work out when you wake up youll turn awake work out when youre in pain

like toothache it fades after some hours even with simple no resistnace bicep curls like this writing

i feel at peace writing it the problem is showing it to other people i usually have several projects

going at once like photoshops 20 or 50 a day the most bother was putting em on websites dont do it

make a book you can print em with a laser printer they cost like some more glue them to a4 learn how

to bind books its easy really improvise shave your beard every morning after the shower itll be easier

you can use the soap again clean everywhere on your body just rinse with warm water first turn it off

dont be a waster then just use the soap carefully if you got a wound just go over it several times

with the soap it heals you dont need rubbing alcohol or stronger things if some part of your body hurts

try to figure out where it started was it thumbs from playing games on your smartphone get a laptop

there are good ones for 200 $ they are 100x faster and easily last 20x longer and like you see on

the price much cheaper than keeping up with your trendy fake friends online or irl anyway ive written

for awhile dont wanna brag im trying to inspire beyond wellness even if bella made that look good but

most are frauds like they say one generally lies to oneself lying to others is relatively an exception

just believe in yourself believe in your greatness believe youll make it if not some chick will eventually

fall in love with your art no matter if its 3d printers or drawing or poetry or guitar or synth or music

production in ableton live even audacity just dont expect it live your life work on your projects a book

is a big undertaking you can put so much love into it and if a woman loves a book of yours she really loves

your whole being like i know getting closer to a chick you get horny and just want to say explecetives to

her try that and youll get a fail just try another woman until youre calm and centered and its not all about

sex even prostitutes choose talk to a bot if it makes you happy say like ill be going for a walk to the

library it takes 1 hour back and forth and ill try to read a book the bot wont say its bad surely use

the internet for knowledge not lulz everyone can choose what to say online you cant lie in real life

to the same degree and fake it your body language shows everything even pauses between words or if you

have a light voice or growly everything shows everything goes youve grown a lot as a person even if youre

a junkie at 5 or 15 or 95 its never over sodium ascorbate if you got a doctor or nurse or caretaker ask

them to inject it its not that easy you need purified water too you can do thighs or butcheeks its easy

it can heal cancer aids even drug withdrawal its easy if you try it might not be for everyone as for sex

you can try dry humping or just intimate long hugs just try to hug some chick you like it depends on who

she is she might not like you but again shape up look and act and smell presentable be fresh work on your

outer get out in the open the woods if you live close to a beach gather seashells just take off your socks

and shoes and sand is wonderful or soft glass or lie on the sand or grass or in the woods look at small

animals or beings nature loves you nothing exists except it dont yell out people theyve argumented with

thousands breaking someone if you manage gives nothing if you give someone a smile thats to live for they

might think of you for the rest of their life if you are still a fuck up then they might choose someone

else at work whatever you do dont be bitter dont drink just a few beers stop it drink water and milk and

orange juice everything has nutrients in it vegetables are tasty and have lots of fiber most of your sadness

is in wheat and sugar eat hardbread it can ordered from sweden online coffee makes you more tired over time

like if you go clean youll wake up with more energy not less try to focus on 1 task like vacuuming can take

a long time to not ruin your back try using dishwasher powder it will get slippery at first but afterwards

better get a simple mop its not complicated take care of your shoes use a cloth often its not every day

dont be perfectionist but in art thats the ultimate dont just do a line drawing fill in with markets the

lines and then colouring it can take a whole day or weeks for 1 pic ai is nice and all but do 20 to 100

generations 1 will fit eventually dont be a spammer dont steal memes and repost all over to break people

its much more challenging to make them happy but everyone is lonely now if they got someone in real life

theyre probably ignoring them to the nth degree dont care do your own thing get a website with your new

software or hardware idea connect a 5 speaker stereo from second hand or thrown away at the garbage down

the street learn about volts and watts and ampere and ohms make a nice stereo listen to cds or vinyl which

is an artform in itself you cant be careless with them or have it dusty be proper dont brag about that you

walked 3 hours or cleaned for 3 hours walk 30 mins clean your apartment 30 mins a day or a week its over

time thats important discipline keeping a habit grow your character your fate you already exist dont find

yourself create yourself i you wanna die well i cant stop you i can just be a hug at the very end maybe

ill trip you over the edge but you wanted it do know that the other side isnt easy i was there last year

i quit neuroleptics because of a stomache problem i just couldnt taek anything i couldnt go to the toilet

so i just took more and more dip and i faded to weird places luckely i was in my apartment with no chance

of meeting people just ordered groceries online lots they ship for free some stores was some hot chick

that came with it she gave me a smile but i understand i cant get pussy 5 times a night ive slept with

2 women in 42 years 1 would have been enough the first was really boring she admitted to being upper class

brat the second one really blew my mind over and over both i didnt sleep with much it didnt impress me

watching porn is still better than the single life you dont want stds its just pain and gross and dont

spread diseases as woman or man get clean you dont need to be drunk and high and stoned to enjoy sex

its like driving you are driving that sausage up a long alleyway you need focus no one can drum when

drunk and sex is about rhythm the woman might not say a lot in bed just laying there like a stranded

bluewhale but keep it at it when she moans youre at the right spot touch her skin with your hands clean

them again properly if theyre hard with dead skin dont use moisturizers i mean the contens are near

impossible to even pronoucne you dont want petroleum on your skin if you get a chick or even a baby

dont abuse them when sleeping look at their beauty their calmness their trust in you dont break that

trust but we all do try to be a better person you know when youve done wrong you know when you succeeded

its not about numbers its about pride on the inside that radiates like a sun if you happen to get grandkids

and youre proud how you raised your kids and they turned into presentable members of the human race just

remember its never late if the doc says youll die in a year they said that to stephen hawking when he was

a teen he lived just as long as charles bukowski who was a professed alcoholic and timothy leary the lsd

guru and also a scientist actually get a book to read dont use computers or tech even use candlelight if

youre not prone to burning things up get into the mood staring into a fake light is horrible stare into

the sun not too much and you can burn your eyelids but damn looking into the sun 1 minute a day is a lot

better than 10 hours pretending to be someone on social media you dont have to say a lot in reality online

everyones competing against everyone for attention but real attention is in your artform and everything

is art its not numbers i mean if youve made 10 stoner rock albums or synth or indie rock its about all

the effort you put into it not that its 10 be proud of yourself and your family check its history do your

research not just figure out how to damage people with a few words just say like nice hair to a woman

with long hair or you look like a horse they can take offence but trust in your instincts if you fail

well theres billions worldwide move to a better neighborhood or just dont tell anyone take out your savings

and get on a bus to another city youll leave all those shadows behind dont pretend though your past will

get past but move away from home when youre a teen if you have the guts remember drugs give you self asteem

but no one enjoys the coughs and pukes the gods and angels are looking over you so still if no one cares

theyve been with you in previous rebirths leave a legacy invent something youve figured out get a patent

anyway i have more ideas for writing but ill stop here and if it inspires you great i dont want your memes

or likes ive worked on my homepage for 5 years i got locked out of it but its still a lifework but even if

you lose everything you still have yourself and your talents never give up but if you wanna someone might

come and rescue you do drugs once in awhile on friday smoke 1 puff off a cigarillo it calms enough you dont

need 3 packets a day dont be high 24 7 go to parties look around billboards dont rape or grope get the

feeling of the place dance even if some hardcore babe laughs at you move closer getting jeered is the worse

things at a guy you can be broken for years decades but youre older youve gotten that stop giving up flirt

as well or just talk intellectually women love smart guys then they get smart children women think with

their uterus men think with their minds read more books expand your mind without drugs have focus have

patience one day youll break through if you work for free you might get hired or some chick will like you

there might come often to ask for books do your research by hand on university they dont even mention

wikipedia you need good old fashioned slow living books are just words not millions of pixel but a single

page of a book is worth more than 10000 posts on social media the language in books is just baffling

remember stop pretending you cant do that in reality and godspeed i wish you love joy luck abundance

i seemingly have more tardiv dyskinesi after that 2½ day torture without food.

now im bored eventhough im not tired. they timeshift things. i was using time.is in my vlogging and the time stopped and i have to re add it every time. its now almost 5 and i wonder where the time went.

i wont get to sleep anything. if i sleep during the day theyll just wake me up.

2 days i went to bed at 5 and got woken up at 8. another day i woke up at 7 and beeped and had to wait until 11 to get breakfast. they are omnipsychopaths here.

i seemingly cant really sleep during the day so this will be interesting.

i guess im boredalized so ill play more outlands uox the site which i figured would have my stuff until beyond rebirth of the universe has lost lots of vids almost all and many pics and svenskadikter.com/uo isnt available for me. all those vlogs i uploaded last year disappeared almost directly. i had a page with a listing of them, it only had a meme left later.

well im dumb. they removed lithium theory since it was too sciencepolitically accurate. it brings together quantum physics with second law of thermodynamics. i shoulda figured then i should mirror everything.

i sorta did that but probably not 80%. and so much is gone. i wonder if i die theyll just erase it completely because ill have so much ocd.

my teeth felt like plastic when rubbing alcohol was used. they use it on themselves obviously. they stopped except one guy and i need to get his respect lol only that one. so messed up. by closing down my comp, i lose work and get nk'd when he barges through the door.

one staff teleported out my door when i beeped for 1 litre of milk. but i have defiencies from 2½ day of no food. ill ask for spices and will make my own dip. what about curry? anyway tired have said political things on facebook mostly popular there now some food pics too not disgusting mostly handmade recommended to photo their selfies against a 1 colour background got back "fuck off pornstar". it affects them over time and others via reading and also subspace so its not lost.

but just being insulted all the time online is tiring. no one is flirting with me anymore which is even more annoying. i just want a friend to talk to. but i got a blogg its amazing. tumblr is depressing it does not replace this site. nothing does. i dont want a tiny window to write a few words with.

yes new world record in disgustingness. i wish id fallen asleep but no. i doublewrap like a calzone my arms around the t shirts for comfiness. i managed to do that for a few mins. then i was online again. then i felt the smell of puke, was it from the sandwich i wondered? no, it was the t shirt. very subliminal. it smells like vomit in my room and on my body. its itching but i removed the t shirt quickly so it got ok. the sheet smells like rot. if i wake up from oxygen depravity but still had a good dream and its the right air in the room because they turned on the ventilation later i might might get changed without disgustingness.

anyway i pooped myself in like 1 hour. wonderful. i love water i love cafe latte i wanted a litre of milk and finally got it as i drank nothing for 3 days except my spit. my teeth feel horrible like plastic thats from rubbing alcohol. they even have stinkbug on their gloves. a disgusting "body lotion" on their hands, so i get either when they make a sandwich for me. even better, i asked for "knäckebrödmacka", just because i said "macka" i was to get a soft sandwich. their psychopathy is infinite. it was ok when id been tortured for 3 days, but then they waited 45 mins to come. because they turned off the alarm twice. wow.

they just have to piss you off if you want any help or the correct food or thing. yeah amazing.

its ok i got energy from talking some to the staff and soaping my body and the dip woooooo what a rush

la di da

same thing over and over

guess ive taken too much coffee

but it does make me sleepy

sometimes? :(

took some more of it

not sleepy

now im yawning

sigh

up and down

sleepy resting wanna doing

moreing noting realing

it seems you get adrenaline rushes during anxiety

i got about 3

then i was ok some 20 mins after the last

so thats how they do it

and all everyone talks about is dopamine

i think its a lot more

i asked fredrik once

"how many body drugs are there?"

he replied "there are a lot"

anyway fucking hail to fredrik

he died 2 years ago so i would get a new housing seemingly

his heart just stopped

hed taken the corona vaccine unfortunately

his heart stopped and my went on

in a better world

not perfect

but better than the 2 after

better than the present since its nothing here now

i hear SFX outside my door but i dont care

if its mean or loud it might bother me for a splitsecond

but i dont care

i guess it protects against dementia

and ill live off of coffee

i heard a guy doing that

but at least he got it hot and with liquid

and ill live off of diaper dip

i use the coffee both as dip

and to melt on my tongue

at least its something

itll last months

maybe karin will come

if she doesnt even come in 3 months

will they come when rats have feasted on my body?

i dont know

how long will it take to kill me?

i got to know 25 years

i have to get to a better place eventually

or a worse

rättspsyk?

its still better than the ignore

but they have the hole there im sure

anyway im better now again

it sucked the anxiety

i got some instructions on what to do

but the hecatonchires helped me

so im sort of ok for awhile

hecatonchires protected me

against deletion demons they

said "youll get help soon"

but it never arrived i have

too strong neuroleptics but

still they saved me so at

least something <3 <3 <3 <3

seemingly coffee dip gives me the sads. like real dip or fake one did in the beginning. then i abused it too much and just needed it near 24/7. so that will surely fade soon.

i just want some fresh water but they only do it toilet style. milk? but they havent opened the door for 2½ days. i have some energy from the dip but i cant overdo my teeth hurt.

im playing some outlands its ok havent been pkd yet :) <3

anyway i woke up in a splendid mood. messaged tracey long written. i hope it turns ok. if not at least im ok right now.

left hand hurts =*( ive glided some down in bed. too much and i cant really write or barely watch the screen. that will suck of course but what can you do. i prefer blogging really to vlogging. i still call out and stuff like im vlogging all the time heh.

im sorta constipated i think? but maybe its a begining big sausage. i hope i poo though even without drinking anything except my saliva :( i guess i need to do it the mason way. i didnt drink my crocodile tear from earlier today.

well coffee powder sure is potent. i sort of smell like fireworks? lol.

oh its lunchtime and no lunch. at least they arent abusing me per se.

at least i dont get the stench of dogfood.

i wish i could just have a single personal assistant / wife (lol?)

who took care of me. or a daughter who did. but shes a pornstar. pfft.